This is the latest installment in my ongoing series about helping you reduce career friction, so you can work at your highest level of excellence and achieve your goals. Each month I’ll point out a different aspect of friction, and share some communication strategies and mindset tips for handling it. FYI, I don’t use AI for any of this!
Of all the types of friction that my clients struggle with on a daily basis, dealing with conflict is the most challenging. Generally speaking, women struggle more than anyone else. Engaging in conflict goes directly against so-called “tend and befriend” behaviors that we are conditioned to perform in society, like smoothing conflict and putting everyone else’s needs before our own. We’re not taught how to resolve conflicts, so we fear them. But we can only improve this skill set by actively engaging with conflict when it comes up. And know this: you become infinitely more valuable as a leader if you are seen as someone who can successfully navigate conflict. This skill set is a valuable currency that you can learn to spend wisely across your career.
Here are some common examples of conflict that may look familiar to you as a leader:
You submitted an important project proposal to Senior leadership, but it’s being blocked by someone with a rival proposal, and now communication between you has come to a standstill.
You were too afraid to refute your boss’ bad idea a few months ago, and now you have to set him straight and tell him to clean up the mess.
Your team missed an important deliverable, and now you have to mete out the consequences, dreading the blame that they’ll sling in all directions.
Even the strongest leaders can find these situations difficult. But there is a secret to navigating and even de-escalating workplace conflicts like these.
First, start with what you can control: yourself. If you already know that conflict makes you feel anxious, fearful, jittery, or even emotionally flat, that’s a clear sign that you need nervous system regulation. If you try to resolve a conflict or find a solution while you’re dysregulated, you won’t have nearly as much access to executive functioning in your brain. Learning what works is a process of experimentation. Some of the things that work for my clients include brief meditation, strategic practice of their talking points, snacks, or even a quick nap. Moving yourself back to a baseline of calm will go a long way toward mastering whatever conflict is ahead of you.
But regulating yourself won’t do the trick on its own. You also need to be strategic about your communication, so you can make maximum impact with each of your points. Ideally you want to convert skeptics into enthusiastic partners.
Here’s what staying regulated during a conflict looks and feels like:
You’re able to remain calm and open, taking time to listen fully without jumping to defensiveness or shrinking yourself smaller.
You have full access to your communication skills and are able to speak with authority, conviction and confidence without sounding rattled or diminished.
You’re able to respond rather than reacting, taking time to pause before you speak and landing your points beautifully.
These are just some of the skills I work on with clients every day, including members of Microsoft, Cisco, Amazon, Pepsi, Columbia Bank, Kimpton Hotels, Planned Parenthood, Carhartt and Tommy Bahama. Contact me for more info about my Executive Power Voice private coaching packages and group trainings.